Billi Pod’s Responsibilities As A Grandfather

As most of your loyal and faithful readers know, Billi Pod has two grandsons, the oldest, Lex Falletta, lives in Elgin, SC, and the youngest, Topher Falletta, lives in Gainesville, FL. Over the years I have tried to mentor these two young men into becoming useful and responsible adults - not an easy task for me since they both are self-proclaimed “Rednecks.”

I know, I know ... but DNA tests have indeed confirmed that they are both my grandsons, so ....

I admit to being remiss in my responsibleness since living in The Big Apple, so today I used some of my free time to research the internet for matters that may be of assistance to them, and I came across "Martha Stewart’s Rules for Rednecks.”

I immediately knew I had to share this information with them and with those of you loyal and faithful readers who may also have Rednecks in your family.

First though I will post a picture of Lex and Topher ... Lex is on the left and Topher on the right ...



Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. (remember this one guys).

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog(s) to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. (this is specifically directed to you Topher)

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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And there you have it guys. You are indeed welcum. Looking forward to seeing both of you in Columbia.

With all my love,

Granddaddy