It is a gloomy day and rain is predicted any minute so the 2:00 Yankees/Mets game at Yankee Stadium is very iffy. It is supposed to clear up for tonight’s 8:00 game at Shea Stadium and I will be there.
So, what is funny you ask? Well, an unnamed fraternity brother and former roommate who lives in Gainesville and Paris, but who is nameless because of possible prosecution for copyright infringement, sent me a very very funny column written by former Miami Herald humorist Dave Berry about his experience with his first colonoscopy. This is it in its entirety --
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“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, “HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!''
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ''MoviPrep,'' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy,I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes --and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,' 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if
you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate. You want me to turn it up?'' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. ''Ha ha,'' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking``Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . .. . and the next moment, I was back in the waking up area in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ!”
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Very funny and it reminded me of what happened to me when I had my first colonoscopy about 25 years ago. I was very nervous about the procedure and discussed my feelings with a colleague, David Patterson of St. Petersburg, who had just undergone his first colonoscopy.
David told me I had nothing to worry about and it would be much easier if I remembered to ask the people to relocate the monitors so I could watch the whole process as it was happening. He said I had to ask them otherwise the monitors would not be viewable from where I would be. Kinda odd thought I but what the hell, David just did it so I’ll give it a try. I mean, how often does one get a chance to watch a 17,000 foot cord jammed up one’s butt? Right?
So, on the appointed day as I was laying on the table on my side after all of the prep work I asked the nurse if she would move the monitor around so I could watch the procedure. She just stared at me and then asked me to repeat what I had just said. I did. There was another pause and then she said I would have to ask the Doctor.
When the Doctor came in and we were about to begin I asked him if he could move the monitor so I could watch the whole thing. There was a pause. He looked at the nurse, then at me and then told the nurse to move the monitor around so I could see the screen. I remember he had a slight smile on his face. She did and he asked if I could see OK and I said yes and then he said ... OK, let’s do this ... and ...
The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. Damn David Patterson, damn him to Hell!!!! He had really gotten me. When the Doctor and nurse came in with the favorable results we all had a big laugh although I was very red in the face. The Doctor said it was a first for him and that he could hardly wait to tell his colleagues.
When I got home I called David, cussed him out and then we had a big laugh. It turns out that a friend had done the same thing to him. He never let me forget it. Never.
Go Yankees!!!
Billi Pod
wanjr@aol.com
