Monday - Some Help for the Female Gender

In recognition of my unsullied reputation for Fair and Unbiased reporting, and in response to a number of rather testy emails, I feel that it is incumbent on me to reveal that I have also done extensive Internet research into why females have such a difficult time understanding the male universe.

I doubt that many of you loyal and faithful readers knew this, but several years ago I presented a paper at the Annual Meeting of W.O.M.A.N. (Woman Over Men Always, Numnutz) in Boise, Idaho, wherein I attempted to explain the female perception of what a man says versus what the man actually means. I thought it was so obvious that it didn’t need to be reduced to written text, but the reaction of my audience seemed to indicate that perhaps we males overestimate the extent of female logic and cognitive skills.

So, having said all of this, and in order to be of assistance to my many female friends and loyal readers, I will now share some (actually just a little bit) of the material I presented to W.O.M.A.N.--
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WHAT HE REALLY MEANS:

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't work the washer/dryer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it.

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no clue how it works."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac - get the f**k out of my way people."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear my game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "Dammit, I forgot our anniversary again."

"It was a really good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop,” the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number (VIN) of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurting."

"I missed you soooooo very much," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find the remote, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost, dammit, I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
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You are so really welcome.

Billi Pod aka The Fair & Unbiased Reporter
wanjr@aol.com