Even though it is the first week of August, the professional football season has returned in all of its preseason glory with the first games scheduled for this Thursday. The real season doesn’t get underway until Thursday, September 4, but season ticket holders can watch all of these meaningless games that they are required to purchase as part of their “privilege” for being loyal and dedicated fans and season ticket holders.
It has been brought to my attention that not everyone understands the complexities of professional football in all of its bone-crushing glory. As usual, I felt it was my responsibility to do research in this area and to make the results available to you, my loyal and unbiased readers.
After hours and hours of work I finally came across the ultimate explanation by none other than that guru of all things complex, Dave Barry. I couldn’t have said it any better myself, so here it is in its entirety --
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THE RULES OF AMERICAN PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
By David Barry
Football is played on a field that is 100 yards (374 kilometers) long and is covered with lines called hash marks to indicate where players have lost their breakfasts. On either side of the field are the benches, where the 350 players who are not involved in the game sit and wave to their moms. Behind each bench is a big plastic jug of Gatorade. The object of the game is to be the first team to dumps this on the “coach,” a very angry man who hates everybody.
The game is divided into four 15-minute quarters, each of which last a little over three hours. Time outs may be called by anybody at any time for any reason, including political unrest in Guatemala.
The game begins when a small man of foreign extraction kicks the pigskin, or ball, as far as possible, then wisely scuttles off the field. The referee then places the ball on an imaginary line of scrimmage, which is visible only to the referee and his imaginary friend, Mr. Pootywinkle. On either side of this line, the two teams form huddles, where they decide who will perform the celebratory dance when the “play” is over. Then here’s what happens:
1. A large player called the center squats over the ball, and the “quarterback” touches him in a way that would get them both executed in the Middle East.
2. All the players run into each other and fall down.
3. Certain players leap to their feet and perform celebratory dances, while referees add to the festivity by hurling brightly colored flags into the air.
Now comes the heart and soul of football: Watching slow-motion replays of the players falling down. You’ll see this from every possible point of reference, including the Hubble Space Telescope.
When the replays are finally over, the referee formally announces that the play does not count. Then it’s time for eight commercials featuring sport utility vehicles climbing Mount Everest, and then it's back to the huddles for more nonstop action.
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There is no need to flood me with thank-you emails. This is my calling. I report - you decide.
Go Yankees!!
Billi Pod
wanjr@aol.com
1 comment:
good to the last drop! while in the shit hole that is called pfc or pima fucking county (AZ) i was unable to access your site. catching up on a few days, like i have nothing to do, i have found that this blog was up to par with my caliber of thinking and wit. not to mention my funny side. at the end you remind me of someone who watches FOX news. huh, must be voting for MCCAIN!........cause I AM!!!!!!!!
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