Dear loyal and faithful readers - I know that I have failed to keep you abreast of the frightening underbelly of the looming presidential election. I have been too self-centered these past several weeks, opting to immerse myself in a pity-pot over the failure of the Yankees to reach the post-season. I admit to being mired in funkdom.
Well, I am happy to report that the other night, after taking some new and stronger meds, I found myself once again able to return to my first loves, internet research, prognostication, and fair and unbiased reporting.
So, I want to share with you the results of my efforts regarding the future of this great country after the upcoming election. The fact that the same results are reached, regardless of who wins, is indeed frightening, but it is my job to report - you decide.
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF...
Barack Obama becomes President:
1. After long, costly and divisive recounts in North Carolina and New Hampshire, John McCain finally concedes to Barack Obama. The stock market surges with the news.
2. Upon his inauguration, Obama states once and for all that he is not a Muslim, disappointing Hamas leaders, who really regret throwing away their endorsement over what they saw as “coded phrases” during his campaign.
3. Critics of Obama are soon vindicated, however, when the president appoints William Ayers, Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Oprah to cabinet-level positions, saying at a press conference simply: “Suckers.” The stock market tanks again.
4. Joe Biden spends his first two months as vice president checking in at the Oval Office every day to see if there's anything he can do, only to be turned away, muttering under his breath about Scranton or broken kneecaps or something.
5. All of President Obama’s attempts to alleviate the ever-worsening economic crisis come to naught, from the Great Additional Bailout of February ‘09 to the Even Greater More Additionaler Bailout of March ‘09.
6. On April 3, 2009, China finally makes good on its promises to buy the U.S. outright and turn it into an amusement park.
7. Shortly after being deposed by his Chinese overlords, Barack Obama admits, finally, that he is in fact Muslim. “Suckers.”
John McCain becomes President:
1. After long, costly and divisive recounts in Wisconsin and New Hampshire Barack Obama finally concedes to John McCain, insisting that it is time for our fractured nation to heal. Seven state Supreme Court Justices resign in protest. The stock market disintegrates.
2. While Chief Justice Roberts recites the presidential oath at the inauguration, McCain becomes flustered, throws up his hands and screams, “if you think you can do it better, fine. I didn’t want the damn job anyway.” He then storms off the stage and locks himself in his nearby condo.
3. Sarah Palin does her best to fill the power vacuum, but she soon begins publicly criticizing herself for succumbing to Washington-style big government. She soon steps down under the pressure of her own accusations.
4. Following presidential chain of command, Nancy Pelosi becomes president, but spends her first two weeks gloating, completely missing the economy’s last great freefall.
5. Completely broke, the U.S. has no choice but to accept China’s offer to buy it outright.
6. A bleary-eyed John McCain comes out of hiding and attempts to declare war on the Chinese. He fails.
So, there it is - I report - you decide.
Billi Pod aka The Fair and Unbiased Reporter
wanjr@aol.com
1 comment:
obama looks like he just nailed a ten dollar hooker, and needed a smoke!! mccain, well i'm not sure what he's doing? looks like he's is passing a stone!! fair and unbiased. ..sure. like the major media! making obama look like slick willy, cool and relaxed(like he just had an intern) and mccain looking like an AARP member. later
Post a Comment