Rant - I f**king HATE tech manuals - they suck!!

OK, I gotta rant a bit about things and stuff, mostly about the virtually indecipherable manuals that are packed with various technological devices.

What am I talking about, you ask? Well, my loyal and faithful readers (who, ahem, have been strangely silent lately), this is what I mean ...

This Christmas I was given two state-of-the-art thingys ... a new digital camera from my son Bill and a digital picture frame from my daughter Kathi.

First, the camera - Olympus Stylus 1010, with: 10.1 mega pixels; 7x optical zoom; 2.7” LCD monitor; double stabilization; face detection; shadow adjustment; perfect shot preview; in-camera help; in-camera panorama; and, an 83 PAGE INSTRUCTION MANUAL

The instruction manual, all 83 fucking pages, has print so small that you really need a magnifying glass to read it. When you open the manual you find a “Quick Start Guide” so your first reaction is ... hey, this is gonna be easy, right? I mean, it says “Quick Start Guide,” right?... Then you notice that the so-called “Quick Start Guide” is 15.5 pages of material so draconian in nature that Einstein would have been baffled.

But, on I go, by first unpacking the rest of the box and placing the camera, camera strap, lithium Ion battery, battery charger, USB cable, AV cable, and Olympus Master 2 CD-ROM in front of me on a table. I pick up the manual and begin. Then I notice that I must first charge the Lithium Ion battery (specially designed for this camera only), and it will take at least 2 hours. Fuck!!

Oh well, what can I do, right? I figure out how to place the battery in the charger and plug the charger into an electrical outlet. I will read the “Quick Start Guide” while I wait for the battery to be charged. So I sit on the couch and start reading and ... 90 minutes later I wake up with the “Quick Start Guide” on my chest and drool coming down the side of my face. OMG!!

Everything goes back into the box. Since then, on 3 different occasions, I have braved the “Quick Start Guide” with about the same results, and as those of you loyal and faithful readers who are members of my family know ... Billi Pod rarely naps under any circumstance.

To make matters worse - I am the world’s worst follower of written instructions and have been so since I was a little boy trying to make model airplanes from scratch. Never was able to finish a single one, never ever.

Will I ever get this wonderful device up and running? Yes, but only because I am not satisfied with the camera function on my iPhone.

Now about the other techno-thingy - the digital picture frame --

Sony S-Frame DPF-D70 - stores 500 images to a 7” diagonal display, featuring: auto orientation sensor; 256MB internal memory; direct card slot; and 800 x 480 pixels.

And, the instruction manual for this nice thingy is a mere 46 PAGES, also of very small print. In many aspects this manual is filled with more techno-babble than the camera manual, mostly involving the process of transferring pics from other storage devices/sources.

I have to admit that all I have done to get this thingy up and running is read the first 5 pages of the manual. My priorities will be to get the camera going first and then the frame.

Well, I kinda feel better. At least I have something to do while waiting for the BCS game on Thursday and/or when it snows and/or when I need to go to sleep quickly.

On to other things - this is what the next 7 days look like --

Tonight at 7:30 is a New York Philharmonic concert @ Lincoln Center. The program is: Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 2; Strauss’s Burleske for Piano featuring Emanuel Ax; Szymanowski’s Symphony No. 4; and, Mussuorgsky/Ravel’s Pictures at an Exhibition. (subscription series)

Wednesday - 9:00am - annual sit-down appointment with my cardiologist Dr. Fred Feuerbach. He will determine if I need any tests or anything like that. This is a routine appointment. I haven’t been experiencing any problems.

8:00 - “Home” - Off Broadway. “Home is a wonderfully theatrical tale of one man's struggle to stay true to himself amidst a rapidly changing and turbulent America. Leaving behind his family's farm in North Carolina, Cephus Miles seeks refuge and prosperity in the North. Three actors portray more than twenty-five characters over the course of Cephus's epic journey from adolescence to adulthood, spanning the 1950's through the Vietnam War and Civil Rights eras.” (complimentary ticket).

Thursday - in the morning I will have blood work (for a PSA) and a urinalysis in preparation for my semi-annual appointment with my urologist on January 13th. Again, this is a routine appointment - I haven’t been experiencing any problems.

8:00 - BCS Championship Game. The Gators will kick butt!!

Friday - 3:00 - “For Lovers Only” - Off Broadway. “Five Broadway actors, two pianos, 100 love songs! Joyous, moving, funny, smile-inducing, tear-inducing and just the right mix for the start of a new year. This is a fully staged, off book performance of a work in progress. Love is a Many Splendored Thing, Always, 'Swonderful, All the Things You Are, You're the Top, Moon River are among the 100 songs performed.” (complimentary ticket).

10:30 - “Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind” - Off Broadway. “This show is an ever changing attempt to perform 30 original plays in 60 minutes. Off of sold out performances in Chicago since the Reagan era, Too Much Light... invaded New York and has continued to entertain late night audiences around the boroughs with its critically acclaimed energetic show of random original short plays. For each performance the audience chooses the order and the New York Neo-Futurists create a non-illusory collage of the comic and tragic, the political and personal, and the visceral and experimental while embracing chance, change and possibly a little chaos. (complimentary ticket)

Hey, I know that these are strange times, but, come on folks - remember, this is New York City, not Norman, Oklahoma.

Saturday - open at the moment.

Sunday - 7:00 - “LIGA, 50% reward & 50% punishment” - Off Broadway. This is the press blurb for the show being performed at the renowned Public Theater: “LIGA starts with the end. On a video we see how the highs and lows of the just-completed performance are re-lived as the actors enthusiastically congratulate and console each other. A live "flashback" follows as the actors begin to perform their play. We observe five characters. Young and easily influenced, the human need to conform makes them susceptible to manipulation. With rapid speed they learn how to please and how "to pretend." Meanwhile, the audience is left wondering just what kind of performance these characters are learning to give.” (complimentary ticket).

Without a doubt this will be a “love-it or hate-it” show for moi.

Monday - open at the moment.

Tuesday - 7:15 - “Terre Haute” -Off Broadway. “A famous author comes face-to-face with America's most notorious terrorist. As the clock ticks on death row, the bond between the two men grows. A scorching new play inspired by Gore Vidal's famous essays on Oklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh.” (discounted TDF ticket).

Go Gators!!

Billi Pod
wanjr@aol.com